Forgiveness and reconciliation are two of the most integral components of the Christian faith, and yet they are also arguably the most complex.
Forgiveness is essential for our redemption, spiritual well-being, and the health of our relationships. It paves the way for reconciliation, which strengthens and unifies the church. However, there is a key difference between the two, and conflating them can result in more harm than good.
The key distinguishing factor is repentance. We are always called to forgive those who hurt us, but we are not obligated to reconcile with those who refuse to acknowledge their sin or continue to intentionally harm us. When dealing with cases of chronic or severe abuse, this distinction is especially important.
What Kind of Forgiveness?
To understand the nuances of this forgiveness, it is helpful to distinguish between two categories: let’s call them divine forgiveness and psychological forgiveness.
Divine Forgiveness
Divine forgiveness is the legal pardoning of sin, and it is God’s alone to give—hence why the Pharisees became so indignant when Jesus said to the lame man in Matthew 9:2–3: "Take heart, my son; your sins are forgiven.”
Psychological Forgiveness
Psychological forgiveness is our responsibility. It involves relinquishing our hatred towards another person and resisting the desire for personal revenge (cf. Rom. 12:17–21). When we exercise psychological forgiveness, we choose to extend grace toward those who have wounded us even if they never offer us an apology or make amends for the harm they caused. In so doing, we model the love of Christ, who “while we were still sinners...died for us” (Rom. 5:8).
Reconciliation
Ideally, once an offense has been confessed and forgiven, there should be reconciliation between the two parties. God desires for us to live in peace and unity with one another. As Christians, we are to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ep. 4:1–3; cf. Phil. 2:1–4). Because we are all fallible human beings prone to sin, we constantly need to extend and receive forgiveness.
However, though reconciliation is ideal, especially among believers, it is not always possible. If an offender has clearly demonstrated an unwillingness to change (especially after promising to do so), it is better not to remain in relationship with them.
Blurring the Lines Harms Rather Than Heals
Conflating psychological forgiveness and reconciliation can be harmful to the spiritual well-being of those offended, particularly victims of abuse.
True repentance involves more than a verbal apology, empty promises, or a temporary modification of behavior. For true reconciliation to occur and trust to be restored, the offender must take full responsibility for the sin, acknowledge the damage they have caused, and demonstrate genuine remorse through actions that evidence consistent, observable changes in behavior.
Paul encapsulates the essence of repentance in 2 Timothy 2:19: “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness” (NIV, emphasis added).
Paul cautions Timothy to be on his guard against those who, among other things, are “treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Tim. 3:4–5), warning him: “Have nothing to do with such people” (v. 5).
Near the very end of his epistle, Paul issues another, similar warning: “Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message” (2 Tim. 4:14–15).
Unless an offender acknowledges the deep harm they have caused and demonstrates a genuine commitment to change, it is unwise—and in cases of abuse, unsafe—to force a reconciliation with the person they have sinned against. Doing so only increases the risk of repeated harm.
We Are Always Called to Forgive, But We Are Not Always Called to Reconcile
Everyone, regardless of the injustices they have suffered, is called to extend forgiveness to others because everyone needs God’s divine forgiveness (Rom. 3:23–26).
Even when our offenders are unrepentant, we can relinquish our hatred and bitterness toward them by trusting that God is just and will vindicate us for our suffering (Ps. 103:6; Isa. 61:8; Rom. 12:19). Those who have been offended can take comfort in knowing that God will vindicate them regardless of their perpetrator’s repentance or lack thereof.
God loves his creation (John 3:16–17), and he hates wickedness (Ps. 5:4–6). He is gracious and compassionate, longing for everyone to receive salvation (2 Pet. 3:9)—but his holiness will not allow sin to go unpunished (Prov. 16:4–5). When faced with the painful task of forgiving someone who shows no remorse for the harm they have caused us, we can find courage in knowing that God will administer justice perfectly, both to us and our offender. Regardless of the inadequacies of human justice, we can remain confident in God’s divine justice, and we can draw strength from his mercy and compassion to help us forgive.
Footnotes
Dr. Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005), 184.
Tracy, Mending the Soul, 185.
Tracy, Mending the Soul, 190.
