Over the course of any marriage, a couple will experience periods of difficulty in their sex life, just as they will in other aspects of their marriage. Illness, pregnancy, childbirth, living with newborns, stress and exhaustion, and the impact of medication and surgery are among many obvious reasons a couple may have “down times” sexually. There will be disagreements about sex just as there will be about so much else. Communication, compromise, commitment, and love will normally see couples through those times. Considering how relational issues outside of sex may be impacting the quality of a couple’s sexual relationship is critical. Knowing that such periods are normal helps too.
If and when a couple needs to seek education and counseling for extraordinary sexual difficulties, sometimes beyond what their pastor or others in their life are able to provide, they will need to pursue this with care. Most sexual “experts,” whatever good they might do, approach sex from a worldly perspective, and may provide instruction and advice contrary to biblical morals. Many so-called Christian counselors are not much better. Investigate any prospective sexual helper thoroughly, and don’t settle for anyone who is not committed to a biblical sexual ethic.
A Note in Closing: When the Going Gets Really Tough
As in other areas of marriage, some sexual problems may be rooted in deep-seated and complex realities that defy easy answers, even from sound, biblical counselors. What help is there for people who struggle with shame, perhaps about their bodies, perhaps relative to some earlier sexual trauma or abuse? What about believers struggling to be faithful spouses, including sexually, in unions that are deeply unhappy, perhaps with partners who are selfish, emotionally distant, or even abusive? What happens when these problems go on for a long time? Another common area of difficulty is spouses who make inappropriate or uncomfortable sexual demands. These kinds of issues seem to be increasingly common due to the expressive individualism of our culture and the expectations fueled by exposure to pornography.
In a fallen world in which every marriage involves two sinful human beings, often with broken sexual histories, these kinds of issues will come up in many Christian marriages. Like any powerful, central aspect of God’s creation, sex that is misused can do great damage. Lisa Fullam’s observations are accurate, even for Christian married couples: “Sex can be everything from a . . . transaction without emotional meaning, to a profound experience of loving union . . . Sex can be tender or violently abusive; it can heal and deeply wound.” There isn’t space here to provide detailed counsel on this difficult range of issues, but I hope the following will help.
First, it’s important to rely on, remember, and apply the core teachings of the gospel to the sexual challenges we face in marriage. For both you and your spouse, “the law of the Spirit has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death” (Rom. 8:2). For both you and your spouse, “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). For the guilt so many of us have over our sexual pasts: “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us” (Ps. 103:12). The same grace to love and forgive that we enjoy from God can, by his grace, be exercised toward our spouses.
Reviewing 1 Corinthians 13 on the attributes of true love can also be helpful for spouses struggling sexually. This can be true for both parties, but especially for the spouse being selfish and demanding. After all, love is “patient and kind,” not “arrogant or rude.” It “does not insist on its own way,” neither is it “irritable or resentful” (v. 4–5). If I can’t forego something I want that my spouse tells me he or she finds harmful or offensive—even if it’s not clearly sinful to me—how does this square with biblical love? Conversely, at times the compromise will go in the other direction, as when one partner accepts the sexual advances of the other even when he or she is not “in the mood.” If both partners are committed to loving each other in ways consistent with true biblical love, many differences can be worked out.
Next, it’s important not to go it alone. We’re not designed to walk out any aspect of our Christian lives, including our marriages and sexual relationships, by ourselves. Jesus has placed us into his body, the church (1 Cor. 12:12, 27; Rom. 12:4–5). He’s given us pastors, elders, trusted friends, and older saints. They can encourage us, pray for us, advise us, even help us sit down with our spouses for difficult conversations. We must not hesitate to avail ourselves of this kind of help, especially when things seem impossible or have hit a dead end.
As Hollinger notes, many sexual issues plaguing married couples simply require better communication skills. We may just need help improving these. Fortunately, good teaching and training focused on improving marital communication is widely available. Competent counselors, pastors, and marriage mentors can help couples with this.
Meanwhile, commit your marriage and your sex life to God, the one who designed both. He’s faithful and delights in the godly sexual relationships of his people in marriage. He who saved you by his own blood won’t abandon or forsake you (Heb. 13:5).
Footnotes
As quoted in Hollinger’s The Meaning of Sex, 12.
Hollinger, The Meaning of Sex, 153.
