I once quickly jumped from one church to another without really keeping our former pastor and friend informed. He took me out for coffee afterwards and said something I’ll never forget—“Do you know how hard it is for us when one of Christ’s sheep leaves the church?”
Churches divide for countless reasons, the realities of which can be deep and painful. There may be a problem with abusive leadership, with discontent sheep, or with changes in the worship service or other church-related ministries. Whatever the grievance is, sin often follows—gossip, slander, factions. This deterioration in relationships can lead to outright contempt. A pastor feels unable to speak; a congregant feels unheard or is unwilling to listen. This all happens before people actually start leaving the church.
Divisions are not just about the initial issue, or combination of issues, but the way in which they are handled. Christians sin in their suffering. Friendships are sundered. Kids are left wondering why they can’t see their playmates anymore. Our view of Christ’s mercy (Rom. 12:1) and his love for the church (Eph. 5:25) is obscured, and we are often left embittered and disillusioned.
Is your church going through such a season? God has not left his people without guidance! Here are a few biblical approaches to conflict within the body of Christ and steps towards reconciliation and restoration::
Assess the gravity of the issue.
There are numerous passages in Scripture that can help us assess the gravity of an issue before us. The Ten Commandments are a good place to start (Ex. 20). Is someone in clear violation of God's law? We have qualifications for officers in the church (1 Tim. 3:1–13) and for Christians more broadly (Tit. 2). We are warned against partiality (James 2:1–13) and the importance of taming the tongue (James 3). Any assessment begins with the light of God's word.
A simple initial question might be, "Is this a clear matter of sin?"
While many cases are murky, there are some instances of clear sin and others of simple differences in personality or vision. Is the pastor berating people behind closed doors? Sin. Are the elders refusing to discipline an unrepentant adulterer? Sin. The pastor is a boring preacher. Not a sin. Your small church has no youth group. Not a sin.
If someone is not clearly in sin, you need to examine your own heart. Are you lacking grace or patience? Are you projecting your own biases and baggage upon others? There is no way to pursue a godly solution if there is not a correct diagnosis of the actual problem. Consider confiding in a wise Christian friend outside of the church for their take. Avoid gossip. If you think there is a legitimate issue, it is time to engage in godly confrontation.
Engage in godly confrontation.
Christ could not have been clearer in how we address conflict in the church:
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.— Matthew 18:15–17
We have a responsibility to confront the offender first. We should always talk to the person rather than about the person. Too early and too often, we start spreading our grievances. In seminary, I was the number one receiver of the “Brother, we need to talk…” talks. I hated that touch on the shoulder. The hard news that I had done something to offend someone. But I would always come away loving the person who took the time to address the offense with me directly.
Give your offending brother or sister a chance to understand your complaint. Maybe there is a mitigating circumstance you don’t know about. Or perhaps they have already felt the sting of their failure and quickly repent. We should always err on the side of grace. If there is a breach that cannot be closed, we ask for intervention—first from a believing friend, and later, from the session. If there is still no resolution, we can allow church discipline to take its course and trust Jesus to heal hearts and bring about repentance and restoration.
Stay above reproach.
It is so easy to respond to fire with more fire, especially in the age of social media. I have seen brothers who have suffered at the hands of pastors or others within the church lose all credibility because they took their case to the Facebook lynch mob. Follow Matthew 18. If this fails (as it sometimes does in a broken world), take your broken heart to another church for pastoral care. Do not impugn the integrity of the church before the eyes of the watching world (1 Cor. 6:1–8).
This means monitoring your heart through the long, painful process of seeking repentance and restoration. I was once attacked and berated behind closed doors for the better part of a year. I maintained my conscience in public, but I allowed myself to become horribly embittered. I spent more time arguing with my windshield than laying my broken heart before the Lord in prayer. Do better than I did, friends.
Bring your broken heart before the Lord. Sometimes, the Lord works repentance and reconciliation between aggrieved brothers. Other times, the Lord in his wise providence allows us to suffer the sting of betrayal and loss without earthly remedy. After uniting the church on the truth of the gospel, Paul and Barnabas had a sharp dispute and parted ways (Acts 15:36–41). We have no indication that their dispute was ever resolved this side of heaven. Unresolved conflict forms some of the most bitter wounds and it requires dressing.
First, pray for the offending parties. Bless those who persecute you. As a wise pastor once said, “It is hard to hate those for whom you pray.”
Second, lay your own sin before the Lord. David wrote, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me” (Ps. 51:3). Paul recognized that God called him to serve others as "the foremost of sinners" (1 Tim. 1:15–16). Likewise, we are called to see the plank in our eyes before we see the speck in others (Matt. 7:1–5).
Third, get nursed to health by the preaching of God’s word. My family left a church broken-hearted. When we arrived in spiritual tatters at a new church, the pastor told us that we should do nothing but listen to the word of God preached, that our new church family would nurse us back to health. And they did.
Finally, reflect on how your experience both exposed and shaped your heart. Did you have false views of the Lord, his providence, and his church? Did you allow your hard experience to harden your heart toward the Lord, or widen it? The Lord loves his church, including you. And one day, there will be no more divisions:
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."— Revelation 21:3–4
